Set Your Terms

Mini Online Training Part 10

How does it apply to me?

1/ The most important areas I need to make changes are:

2/ What are my boundaries that I need to rethink or create?

3/ How do I want to be treated?

4/ How I will communicate about them?

5/ What will be the consequence if my _____ (family member, friend or co-worker) does not respect them?

6/ My takeaway from this chapter.


Welcome to: “From Strings To Wings” Zita Fekete’s mini online training 10th part.  I’m happy to have you here.

In this part I would like to talk about how you can set your terms, choose your battles and what to expect.

Your World – My World

They think black or white.

You can maintain that there are plenty of different solution for a problem.

Their is one of them.

They reject responsibility.

Insist that their choices and feelings are their responsibility.

Their happiness does not depend on you, and vice versa.

They might not have or use their empathy.

You can claim you need their empathy.

They might be competitive.

Represent that there are cooperative games to play and those are better choices within a family.

They might feel entitled.

Insist that you have the same rights that they do. Not less, not more.

Set Your Terms

State your intention that from now on you decide what you do and what you don’t.

Teach them how you want to be treated:

respectfully, equally, politely.

Set clear boundaries:

Tell what you accept, what not.

Give notice that manipulative tactics are no longer accepted.

Feel free to leave the situation when dirty tricks are applied to you.

Ask to acknowledge your needs, values, opinion and preferences.

Those might be different from others, but not better or worse.

Tell, that you are hopeful, that your established limits and renewed personal integrity will improve the quality of your relationship.

Anticipate Resistance

Change might be difficult, especially if you take away their advantages.

Be ready for resistance and initially increased pressure

– it worked until now.

Be ready to leave if necessary.

Compromising, Negotiating

Represent that compromise and negotiation are possible.

The manipulator might have the
“My Way Or The Highway” point of view.

Describe the other person’s position:

“I understand that…”

Ask for clarification.

Allow answers.

State your position clearly.

Search for compromise.

Search for random choices.

Search for exchange, turns.

Choose Your Battles

Assess your opportunities according to the manipulator’s responses.

You can choose to

– stay

– leave

– resist

– give in

– settle for limited damage

– full scale change

With Physically Abusive Manipulators

Be cautious!

Ask help if you need – Call 911!

Plan ahead; get help.

Collect a bag of clothes, money in case you need to escape.

Practice an escape route, in case you need to act quickly.

What can you expect?

If you were manipulated, it was not your fault!

But it was maintained by your compliance.

If you resist: it would change.

At first it might be challenging to change the well-established reactions.

Do not be discouraged if you will not respond perfectly right away.

At first your manipulator might increase the pressure, because it worked until now.

If you are consistent with your resistance tactics, manipulation must be weakened or disappear.

You might build up a more equal relationship.

You might separate because the familiar imbalance disappears.

It might be a difficult time.

Reach out for support people.

All in All

Be Confident.

Be Neutral.

Positively Disengage:

No Drama Participation.

Focus on Self.

Do what you want!

I wish you the very best.

Feel free to reach out to me with questions or comments.