Mini Online Training Part 8
How doe it apply to me?
1/ My main vulnerability is: … . I can make myself less vulnerable in this regard in the following way:
2/ My side vulnerabilities are: … I can make myself less vulnerable the following ways:
3/ My most unfulfilled needs from my past is: … . I have to be aware of it and careful how, when and with whom I am sharing it.
4/ My most unfulfilled need from my present is: … . I have to be aware of it and careful how, when and with whom I am sharing it.
5/ My takeaway from this chapter.
Transcript
Welcome to: “From Strings To Wings” Zita Fekete’s mini online training 8th part. I’m happy to have you here.
In this chapter I would like to talk about how you can safeguard yourself from manipulators.
Today we will focus on the following areas:
– Personality Traits
– Unfulfilled Needs
– Dynamics of the Relationship
– Red Flags
You don’t need to change your personality.
Keep your friendly, social personality traits.
Representing a type is never a problem.
Taking it to the extreme is.
Bring the focus on you:
– your needs, wants, interest and rights.
Stand up for yourself.
Create healthy boundaries.
Balancing Personality Traits – Extreme People Pleasing Habit
Your worth does not depend on what you do for others.
You are responsible for your needs, interests and rights.
We need unconditional love, not conditional, that people pleasing might bring.
Balancing Personality Traits – Extreme Approval Seeking
Look for approval only within a small group of family members and friends.
As you do not love everybody in the Planet, not everybody has to love you either.
Balancing Personality Traits – Fear of Negative Emotions
Strengthen your confidence. Bullies pick on people who look like they will not defend themselves.
Conflicts are necessary parts of life.
– Without conflicts, there is no resolution.
– Better to have conflicts occasionally than being manipulation continuously.
Balancing Personality Traits – Assertiveness
Learn assertive communication.
Tell your needs and wants in a calm, assertive way.
Take responsibility for your choices and feelings with “me” messages:
– “I (don’t) want to…”
– “I feel disrespected…”
Balancing Personality Traits – Blurry Self
Increase your self-knowledge.
Clarify personality, values, needs, wants, priorities, expectations.
Establish healthy boundaries.
Be clear about your rights.
Balancing Personality Traits – Low Self-Reliance
Trust your feelings, judgments, opinions, and hunches.
It’s ok to ask others, but the final decision has to be yours.
Whenever you have a hard time with coercion, think about what you would do without anybody’s influence.
Balancing Personality Traits – Outside Locus of Control
Raise awareness about how many things are in our control.
Make your decisions as if you were in control.
Over time you might experience a little shift of how you see where the control is inside or out.
Balancing Unfulfilled Needs
Be aware of your
– sensitive points
– unfulfilled needs
– present vulnerabilities
Share with people who’ve proven they deserve your trust.
Raise Awareness about Manipulative Patterns
Start: euphoric, “Promise of Gain”
Transition: critique, judgment, control begins.
Established: controlled by “Threat of Loss”.
“False Hope” is present:
If you do everything according the manipulator’s wish, the euphoric beginning might come back.
Red Flags:
The manipulator wants to know about you too much, too soon.
Do not take responsibility for their actions.
Blames you.
They use dirty tricks:
– Guilt Trips
– Silent Treatments
– Victim Games
– “You’re not good enough”
– Gaslighting
Many failed relationships
– all from the others’ fault.
Entitlement for services, goods without return.
Lies. Lies. Lies.
– Lying by omission
– Lying by distortion
– Lying by vague statements
Behaving differently in front of people and behind their backs.
Isolating you from family and friends.
Grandiose plans that never happen.
Asking favors, services and money in order to make life better, but it never happens.
Tendency to take more than to give.
There is a lot of drama and emotional turbulence around your partner.
Small irritations cause huge emotional reaction.
Sustained anger to punish and motivate you.
You apologize a lot.
You feel “not good enough” from the repeated critique, labels, put downs.
You feel confused about who or what is causing the problem.
You feel taken advantage of, or taken for granted.
You are tearful and fearful, but not able to let go of your friend or partner.
Exaggerated flattery.
You are persuaded to do things you would not normally do.
Your partner or friend’s argument is based on emotion, not reason.
Your partner or friend over-generalizes out the people around you.
Your partner or friend believes you need to be fixed.
All in All
– Raise awareness.
– Listen to your feelings.
– Believe in yourself.
– Boost self-confidence.
– Be aware of your rights.
– Stand up for yourself.
– Set healthy boundaries.
Coming next: Naming and Blocking Manipulation
