Naming and Blocking Manipulation

Mini Online Training Part 9

How does it apply to me?

1/ Recall a recent situation when you felt manipulated. Name the manipulation:

When you said/did _______, I felt ________.
Had you said/did it this way _______ , I would have felt ________.

2/ Responsibility dispatch:

I understand that this is your choice using _________ [tactic] against me, but now you know how I feel about it.

3/ Block the manipulation:

I see that you (don’t) want me to _________ [goal], but __________ [tactic] does not make me do it anymore.

4/ Combine naming and blocking:

When you said/did ________, I felt ________.
Had you said/did it this way _________, I would have felt _________.
I see that you (don’t) want me to _________ [goal], but ___________ [tactic] does not make me do it anymore.

5/ My takeaway from this chapter.

Transcript

Welcome to: “From Strings To Wings” Zita Fekete’s mini online training 9th part.  I’m happy to have you here.

In this chapter I would like to talk about how you name and block manipulative tactics.

Breaking the “Silent Contract”

Remember in the 1st chapter?

If you want to talk about the control and power imbalance in the relationship, 

– you are threatened to stop,

 – you are ignored,

–  you are derailed.

It’s time to break this silent contract to point out exactly what the manipulator does.

Here and now.

Not in general.

Naming Manipulative Tactic

Describe in simple, direct language; voice quiet and low:

– What they are doing.

– How you feel.

– If they would instead ____ (desired behavior)

– You would feel ____ (desired feeling)

Example 1 for Naming Manipulative Tactic

When you are yelling at me, (naming)

I feel disrespected. (feeling)

If you told me what you want in neutral voice, (desired behavior)

I’d feel respected. (desired feeling)

Example 2 for Naming Manipulative Tactic

When you are pressuring me to do something because of you’re so overworked. (naming)

I feel guilty. (feeling)

If you told me what you want without pointing out your extensive workload,

(desired behavior)

I’d feel more appreciated. (desired feeling)

Responsibility Dispatch

After naming, you can add:

I understand that this is your choice to yell at me (guilt tripping me.)

Now you know how I feel about it.

Making it clear this action is matter of choice, no way to deny responsibility.

Blocking Manipulative Tactic

1 – Identify the goal what s/he wants you to do.

2 – Identify the tactic they use to get what they want.

(guilt trip, silent treatment, yelling, threat, put down)

3 – Stop doing what they want, and inform them about it.

Voice quiet and low.

Example 1 for Blocking Manipulative Tactic

I understand that you want me to spend less, (goal)

but yelling at me, (tactic)

will not accomplish that anymore. (inform them about its failure)

Example 2 for Blocking Manipulative Tactic

I understand that you want me to go out with you tonight, (goal)

but your silent treatment (tactic)

will not make me change my mind.

(my action)

Combine Naming and Blocking

1: Naming

            – Tell what your partner is doing.

            – Tell how it makes you feel.

2: State you understand the tactic.

I understand that you want to force me with this tactic to …

3: Blocking

Inform them, that this tactic is no longer effective on you.

Calm voice.

Without apology.

Example 1 for Naming and Blocking

Naming:

“I see you guilt tripping me, and it indeed make me feel guilty.”

Understanding the tactic:

“I understand you want me to stop talking about my needs.”

Blocking:

“But guilt tripping me is not stopping me anymore to stand up for my needs.”

Example 2 for Naming and Blocking

Naming:

“I see you’re threatening me with divorce.

It makes me worried I can lose our relationship.”

Understanding the tactic:

“I understand that with that you want me to back off from taking you accountable for what you’ve done.”

Blocking:

“But threats will not make me keep me silent anymore when you do something that hurts me.”

Talking or Not About Feelings?

In Basic Principles I said:

“Don’t make them aware of your feelings. It empowers them.”

Here I suggest: Name what they do and how does it make you feel.

Which one is true?

Both:

Do not complain in general, that you feel hopeless, helpless, frustrated, angry or confused.

That shows, that the manipulation is working.

When you are ready to reveal the exact process in a specific situation:

You can point out that this certain sentence is supposed to make you feel guilty, ashamed or worried.

Then immediately block it too:

That this feeling will NOT motivate you anymore to do their bidding.

Breaking the “Silent Contract”

When you name what they are doing

 – with what evoked feeling

–  for what purpose:

You broke the silent contract.

All in All

Name what the manipulator is doing.

Tell the feeling it evokes.

Name the desired behavior.

Tell how that would make you feel.

Assign responsibility by mentioning:

It is the manipulators’ choice how they will behave with you.

Name the dirty tactic the manipulators use, and name the goal for what they are using it for.

Inform them that this tactic does not work anymore to make you do what they want you to do.

(Calm and collected.)

Be patient with yourself.

Naming and blocking are the hardest anti-manipulation tools.

It takes time and practice to master.

Especially challenging is to think them through in the heat of the moment.

Practice to keep your cool.

Do not enter defense mode.

Coming Next: Set your terms