Mini Online Training Part 6
How does it apply to me?
1/ I have the most difficulty to identify the feeling of …
2/ I have the most difficulty to bear the feeling of …
3/ For me, it is easy to differentiate my true feelings and invoked feelings. [true or false?] What helps me to differentiate?
4/ For me, it is easy to differentiate the surface (the invoked feelings), and the goal (my desired action) of the manipulation. [true or false] What helps me to differentiate?
5/ My takeaway from this chapter.
Welcome to: “From Strings To Wings” Zita Fekete’s mini online training 6th part. I’m happy to have you here.
In this chapter I will talk about why and how you can disregard the destructive, painful feelings of what the manipulator invoked in you.
Real Feeling versus Invoked Feeling
It is important to see the difference between your own and invoked feelings.
When you did something you didn’t like; you might feel true feeling of guilt or shame.
That is based on your value system.
When the manipulator invokes guilt shame or anxiety on you; it is based on arbitrary rules, changing from situation to situation.
Learn to identify those as distinct from your own true feelings.
Identify and Name Feelings
If you name it, you tame it!
Identify the bodily signs of different feelings.
– heart pounding? – neck or shoulder tense? – stomach pain?
Name the feeling.
Analyze what caused you to feel that way.
Bearing Uncomfortable Feelings
Guilt, shame and anxiety are inevitably uncomfortable.
But feeling is feeling: no more, no less.
Bearing them for awhile and not reacting immediately will be the key in disabling manipulation.
Disregard Invoked Feelings
Your motivation of avoiding guilt, shame and anxiety is the tool in the manipulator’s hand to control your behavior.
If you disregard those painful, invoked feelings, you take away the main tool from the manipulator. You become invincible.
What helps you to disregard imposed feelings?
When you identify the games, dirty tricks, different value system,
your true emotions and the invoked emotions.
When you identify your personality, strengths, achievements, strengthen your confidence.
When you build your independence.
Have your own will, engage with your hobbies, make your own decision, (independently of others’ opinion), follow your own path.
Surround yourself with positive influence,
family members, friends, supporters of any kind.
Last but not least:
Be aware of your rights!
Your Assertive Rights
Based on the book of Dr. Manuel Smith: When I say no, I feel guilty
You have the right to judge your own behavior, thoughts and emotions, and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself.
1/ You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses to justify your behavior.
2/ You have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to other people’s problem.
3/ You have the right to change your mind.
4/ You have the right to make mistakes
– and be responsible for them.
5/ You have the right to say; “I don’t know.”
6/ You have the right to say; “I don’t know.”
7/ You have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before coping with them.
8/ You have the right to be illogical in making decisions.
9/ You have the right to say; “I don’t understand.”
10/ You have the right to say; “I don’t care.”
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY NO WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY.
All in all
Realize that the invoked feelings are:
1/ not really yours,
2/ the engine of the manipulative process,
3/ bearable for awhile even if you cannot completely dismiss them.
However, the main goal: DISMISS THEM!
Coming Next: Broken Record, Non-Defensive Communication