Mini Online Training Part 5
How does it apply to me?
1/ Where do I feel the tension in my body when someone rushes me to make decision?
2/ How do I react to the tension?
3/ What will I do to buy time through electronics?
4/ How am I going to I buy time in personal conversation?
5/ My takeaway from this chapter.
Welcome to: “From Strings To Wings” Zita Fekete’s mini online training. I’m happy to have you here.
In this chapter I would like to talk about how to buy time for yourself before you response, and why is it so important in manipulative situations.
Why Buying Time is the first step in overriding manipulative pressure?
What do you need time for?
Many Manipulative communication involves false urgency.
“You need to do it right now!”
It is part of the pressure.
You have the right to think through any decision you make.
See Through the Vail
In order to disable manipulation, you need to see clearly the deceitful surface:
– what EMOTION it evokes,
and the real goal of the manipulation:
– what ACTION it is pressuring you to do.
It needs time and practice.
Answer these questions:
1: In the surface it seems _____.
2: It makes me feel _____.
3: To avoid that feeling I’m supposed to _____.
This 3rd point where you have to resist.
Change your reaction!
You need to respond instead of react.
It needs time and consideration too.
If you react immediately, according to your old reflexes, you might not find the best response.
Action plan for the long run
1 – Buying Time
2 – Detach from what they are trying to get you to feel.
3 – Use the Broken Record and Other Non-Defensive Tactics
4 – Name the Manipulation
5 – Block the Manipulation
6 – Set your Terms
How to Buy Time – in Practice?
- You do not have to answer. Sometimes no answer is the best answer.
- You do not have to answer immediately.
- No explanation needed.
- Maybe with broad explanation: “I had errands.”
- In worst case you can switch off the phone.
- You do not have to answer.
- You can put the caller in hold – do it!
- Think about what you can expect and how you will handle it.
- You can ask them to call back.
- Call when you’re ready.
- You don’t have to answer at all.
- Sometimes no answer is the best answer.
- You don’t have to answer in substance.
- Learn deflective sentences:
“That’s an option, but there is another one.”
“That’s your opinion.
- Ask back back
“Why do you think?”
“Is it what you want?”
During that time: Identify the process.
Stay cool, do not participate in the drama!
If you figured out the goal: DON’T DO IT!
Remember: Self-reinforcing process.
Figure out what would YOU do without any influence.
Figure out how you will tell that to your manipulator.
Is it a lot? It is. This is why you need to buy time.
All in All
The first step you need to take in disabling manipulation:
Do not give in to the false urgency to answer quickly – and in alignment with the manipulator’s will.
Take your time to understand the dynamic.
Take your time to figure out a new type of response.
Coming next: Disregard emotions