Zita Fekete MA
Sound Soul Counseling
Confusion, frustration, anger, feeling worthless, helpless and hopeless might come from Emotional Manipulation.
Is it the case by you?
Check out what others ask in similar situation!
Ask your question too!
Q: How manipulation works?
A: The manipulator induces guilt, shame or anxiety and illustrates the behavior you should use in order to avoid it.
Examples:
a.) A representative tells a story and he indicates that if you don’t give money for the poor then you are greedy. He states that your donation will transfer immediately to XY charity. He continues by emphasizing that the best way not to feel greedy is to give him your money.
b.) If you don’t spend the whole Thanksgiving at your parent’s house, you’re a thankless child. To avoid this guilt, you spend the holidays there although all of your friends are at the mountain enjoying a day of skiing.
c.) Your loved one tells a story about your third neighbor who behaves so kindly and tolerantly with her abusive, alcoholic husband. The whole scene has some phony tone in it. The arbitrary rules: “A good wife/girlfriend doesn’t complain or bitch around her abusive partner.” If you want to be assessed as a “good wife/girlfriend”, you should not stand against your abusive partner. (So he can torture you without consequences.)
Q: What are the manipulative hooks?
A: Something that is very important to you! Either some unfulfilled need for which you are willing to do anything to acquire – it can be love, appreciation, acceptance, belonging, safety, security… anything. Or some very painful feeling: guilt, shame or anxiety which you really want to avoid.
Q: What are the manipulator’s tricks?
A: Tricks can be anything that makes you feel guilty, ashamed or anxious.
Some of them:
guilt trip – “If you loved me you would…” “If you knew what I have been though…”
silent treatment – withdrawing communication or emotion
reasoning – you have to do this because…
threatening – physically or mentally
covert badgering – constant criticism
pretending to be ill
authority – using orders, directives, commands
Exception:
charm – gift, favor, service – doesn’t evoke negative feelings, but can be given for certain effect
Q; How can I disarm manipulators?
A: Figure out what he wants you to do, recognize what tactic s/he uses, and resist doing it until s/he uses this tactic – maybe even after that.
Examples:
1/ If someone yells at you, you can say: “I understand that you want to convince me doing the laundry by yelling but this tactic doesn’t work for me anymore: I don’t accomplish requests asked by yelling.”
2/ If someone treats you with the silent treatment: “I see you don’t want to talk to me at the moment. I will go and do my homework (housework, exercise, walk…), you can tell me when you want to talk to me again!
3/ When someone gives you the guilt trip, you don’t have to argue with him/her because you just get deeply involved in the topic. Stay calm, and say no. If you really need to reply, you can say: “I understand that you want me to go to the Sunday mass, but I am not going this Sunday.”
Q: How to disarm a manipulator at work?
A: It might be tricky if your manipulator is your boss and your career depends on him/her. It’s not strategic simply to resist his/her requests. Your action also depends on what tactics they use.
First and foremost, you need to understand what’s going on.
Do you get constant critique just to motivate you to put more effort, work longer hours without overtime? – Then you don’t need worry about that: it’s not about your quality but it’s a tool in his/her hands to motivate you. You do what you think is right to the extent what you think is right. For example: if your work day lasts till 4 then you leave at 4 no matter how much assignment remained unfinished. You better not adjust your work hours to unrealistic expectations. Do your best; fulfill the requirements of your job description and that’s it! No more undertaking!
Do you have people who triangulate and make alliances against others? Be aware of this tactic and don’t bite onto it when you hear new gossip about your adjacent colleague. S/he is no better or worse than anyone else, only the manipulator wants to turn you against him/her. Don’t do that favor for the manipulator! You and the others all will have your turns. Look for symmetrical, cooperative connection with the ones who don’t use manipulative tactics.
Does one of your colleagues use his/her attractiveness to get what they want? – Don’t get involved.
Generally, not getting involved emotionally helps a lot. If you realize that they use those tools to make you feel a certain way, you can easier detach from the feeling. It’s not about your qualities, it’s about their wants.
Q: Does assertiveness helps against manipulators?
Here comes the assertiveness.
Be aware of your rights!
Establish boundaries.
Be aware that you are the only judge of your behavior.
Be clear about your wants and needs!
Represent your wants and needs in a calm assertive way.
Then you can answer for the manipulation in a calm assertive way: (No matter what a good wife, friend or citizen would do). “I don’t go to the movie tonight.” “I stay until 4 in the office today.” “I don’t contribute to this charity right now.”
Q: What is manipulative criticism?
It motivates in two ways: One; you most likely will follow the criticizer’s lead to avoid the critiques. Second; you are expected to over-compensate for your mistakes.
Q: How can I not let manipulative people affect me emotionally?
A: It proceeds gradually and gets better and better with practice, but at first it is really a difficult task. First of all: the rightful indignation stays forever, and it is completely normal as someone violates your rights. This feeling is even necessary because from there you know that your rights are violated.
But probably you ask how you can not react with intense emotions to the guilt-shame-anxiety producing process. Be aware of what’s going on. They induce that painful feeling not because you are truly that bad, dumb, guilty, thankless, and immoral or you truly lack something, but they are using this emotion to motivate you. One of the most important steps is to realize that it has nothing to do with your true nature. It is a tool in their hand; therefore you must not take it seriously or personally.
Learn to withstand the remaining inconvenient feelings. Yes, sometimes we have doubts that we could do more, or even less. Sometimes we are not sure who is wrong or who is right. Until you sort it out, learn to live with a little bit of guilt, shame or anxiety. Feeling is feeling. Not more and not less.
Q: How can I be assertive against manipulative criticism of my spouse?
Dear Bella,
This must be hard to get criticism instead of support from your spouse! It’s even harder not to protect yourself from the “attacks”, though I suggest to try the next one:
Don’t jump into the defense mode! Listen neutrally and give time for yourself to decide if s/he is right or wrong, do you accept that critique? If you are strong enough, you can ask even more; (This is what psychologists call: Negative Inquiry.) “What else bothers you in my behavior?” – and just listen, process. You might get into a deeper conversation about the status quo of your relationship.
If there are truths in it, you might want to do something about it – maybe even consider making some changes.
If you get convinced that those criticisms are nothing more than attempts to control your behavior and/or undermine your self-esteem, you might reply without sarcasm or edginess: “I am sorry that you feel that way!” “I am sorry that it bothers so much.” No anger and no compensation.
Good luck!
Zita
Q: How to get what you need from a manipulator?
Dear Rubin,
Thanks for the question. I think lots of other people would like to know that!
It’s a difficult task. If you have a choice, I would suggest not putting effort and energy into a manipulator, because they are functioning the other way around: they want to get something from you. Usually they are quite self-centered people, the world has to revolve around their needs and most of them lack empathy. But if you are deeply involved with a manipulator, or the manipulation itself is mild, there is a possibility to get what you need.
Be very sure and clear about what you want. I know you are talking about what you need, but I mean how you want that need to be fulfilled. Maybe you need more love, or attention. What action do you want in order to feel that love or attention? Ask it straightforward and ask it like a broken record over and over again. – In a calm assertive way, state what you want and not what you don’t want with “me messages”. For instance: “I’d like you to ask me how was my day every day and I‘d like you to listen to my answer. I am listening to your stories too.”
If you cannot get what you want by asking, you might bargain: you give something what is important for your manipulator only when s/he gives you what you want.
It is essential that you don’t let yourself be manipulated. If s/he wants something, s/he needs to communicate it straightforward, and you maintain the right to say no without guilt.
The hard part is that most severe manipulators have no (full) capacity for the genuine, symmetrical love, some miss the moral aspect of social life; some have no empathy whatsoever that you can rely on. If you need something that your manipulator is not able to give you, you have two choices: you either put up with your unfulfilled needs, or run away as fast as you can.
Good luck!
Zita
How to not let manipulative people bother you?
Dear Kayla,
I am sorry: I have no full answer to this question. I am dealing with manipulation for a long time because it annoys me. I find it unfair. I find it pretentious, dishonest. I hate lying. I find it exploitative and abusive. It jeopardizes the other person’s freedom and emotional well being. If freedom, fairness, emotional balance, respect, tolerance are values for you, you probably always will be bothered by manipulators.
On the other hand, since I recognize the process and since I’ve learned to handle manipulation and I have rarely become a “victim” of manipulation, I am more relaxed around them. Sometimes I can even laugh at their failed attempt to move me around by feeling guilty, ashamed or anxious. However there are times when I am still raging about manipulative attempts especially when it comes to a real vulnerable area.
All in all, I think the best that you can do is learn about it as much as possible, recognize the process, identify when it is applied to you, and learn to resist. Learn where you have to resist and learn how. Learn where you have to dig your heel into the ground and notice when you are in danger and you had better let go. The more competent you become by handling manipulation, the less you’ll be bothered by it.
Zita
How to not letting manipulative people get to you?
Dear Breanna,
If you feel like you are susceptible for manipulation, you might have one or some from the following personality traits:
- You might like to please people
- Approval might be too important for you
- You might avoid conflict and worry about anger
- You might be unsure about exactly who you are
- You might not be sure about your opinion about certain things of the world
- You might think that you have minimal influence over your own life; mostly it is influenced by an outside factor.
Manipulators might sense these personality traits and can use them against you. The best thing you can do is to revise those thoughts and beliefs behind them: Are you sure you have to put everybody’s need before yours? Are you sure you want to earn other people’s love by doing something for them? Are you sure you need EVERYBODY’s approval? Are you sure you cannot stand conflict to the extent that your interest and rights are ignored?
Be aware of your rights! (There is a list of them in the side panel.)
Learnt to be assertive: standing up for your rights without violating others’.
Establish boundaries.
Be clear about your needs and wants; communicate them in a calm and assertive way.
If you have become hardened by these changes, you less likely would fall victim of manipulation.
Good luck!
Zita
When manipulators get upset?
A: They’ve got honestly upset when they don’t get what they want. On the other hand they might choose to be pretentiously upset to control your behavior. This is a message that sounds like: “Make my irritability go away!”
This is awesome!
I was 15 minutes late bringing my boyfriend his cake for his 20 years clean. I didn’t do it on purpose – I was coming from a 3-day workshop and I don’t know my way around so I use a GPS to get to places and sometimes the GPS can take me around all sorts of directions to the final destination. Anyway, he called while I was on my way and I assertively advised him that please be calm, I am on my way – he hung up on me. When I finally arrived, there was no parking but I wanted to make sure he got his cake. I called him to tell him that and he said leave the cake in the car and hung up on me again. I finally drove around and found parking. I brought him his cake. I have social phobia and when I walked into the room, there were so many people and no extra chairs. I put the cake on the table and went back to the car. I have to admit I was feeling angry and disrespected. I sat in the car the entire meeting – one hour and 15 minutes. When he came to the car, we had a big argument and he accused me of being selfish, trying to hold people hostage at his cake, etc, etc. I was very upset and lashed out. He was phoning his friends and laughing on the phone, telling them the story. I phoned his friends right back and told them my version of the story. I think we are both insecure and manipulating each other. I think my boyfriend is the main manipulator though and he can say things that are really hurtful. I tend to bring things up from the past. Is this relationship salvageable? I don’t feel safe and secure anymore and I only see it getting worst and escalating. I don’t want to lose myself completely which seems to be happening and I am very scared.
Dear Sherrie,
Thanks for this story and this very important question!
Although I had plenty of question left in order to see the situation clearly, for example: What kind of meeting was it? Were you responsible to deliver a cake? (Why?) Was it important to be in time – did being late withhold anything? How did he talk to you when you “assertively advised” him to be calm? Which way do you think you manipulated him? … and so on…
However: Hanging up the phone is disrespectful. Not coming out for a present is disrespectful. Blaming you with “taking people hostage” is not OK. Telling the story to his his friend in front of you is theatrical and phony: what did he want to show you? Laughing at your reactions is extremely disrespectful. I don’t wonder if you don’t feel safe, I would not either. All of this behavior shows that he does not give you the respect, acceptance and understanding what every one of us need to feel safe in a relationship.
You need to know that being upset and scared completely NORMAL in this situation. I would rage if someone made it to me.
Why do you want to salvage this relationship in a first place?
But if you want to: is it possible?
It depends:
If he is a severe manipulator – I mean he doesn’t take care of your needs only how he can get you to meet his needs – probably not.
If the two of you only does not find the right way of communication and want to control each other by making the other feel guilty, ashamed or worried; you might learn better way of relating to each other.
Figure out what is this all about: be sure, you have the right to be treated respectfully, you have the right to have your needs met, and learn communicating your needs assertively!
Be strong and skillful!
Zita
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